~The Right Answer~

So as I have tried to gain my dignity and end things in my current romantic situation, I cant help but ask myself is it really worth it to fall in love?
When we fall in love its the most amazing feeling in the world, you cant wait to see them or kiss them, just be in their presence and the butterflies! Who can ever deny a good case of the butterflies! And if your lucky in love the butterflies are permanent!
Then comes the downfall of it all.....if it ends, the heartbreak! Which we all have experienced, and you go from having the best feeling in the world to the absolute worst! You cant eat, sleep or even breath, your whole world as you know it comes crashing down around you and you are completely helpless!
Now, we know we have to kiss alot of frogs before you get your prince, but in today's day and age if a girl can find the right guy you have just hit the jackpot, because lets face it there aren't many options out there these days! Even for the men, who I know will argue me on this point, that there isn't a good selection of woman out there either, okay I'll give you that too! So its hard for everyone, but being a woman I see it more from "our" point of view, but will try to remain neutral! After all love is a matter of both genders! So we have all felt the the benefits and disadvantages from it.
Back to the point now, its a fifty/fifty chance when you give your heart to someone, either they will take and nurture it and show you true happiness, or they will hand it back to you in a million little pieces. And your left standing in the middle of a wind tunnel trying to stand up.
I envy people who get married and are truly happy for life and become that cute old couple you see walking down the street hand in hand, and you cant help but smile and think I wonder what their story is and the adventures they must have had, to still have that same love as when they were young!
I was once told, that being "in" love is a chemical imbalance in your brain that will eventually fade, and when it does you need to love, like and respect your partner, because through the trials of life thats the key tool to a successful relationship.
I know I will never get the exact answer I am looking for, because after if there was an answer to this question, wouldnt we all be happy? I am one of those girls who is a hopeless romantic that falls hopelessly in love and when its over comes crashing down even harder! You would think, since Ive been burned so many times before in this little love game called love, that I would not wear my heart on my sleeve and my heart would become calaced, so the next guy would have to work a little harder to get in there, but um NO not me!
I always go in acting tough and confident, but once I see something in them that I adore, its all over from there. I have a terrible history of choosing all the wrong guys who would never lead to anything extraordinary, but the last one that is causing this current heartbreak, he was completely different.
I went in with my guard up or my "faux" guard and gave him the run around and didn't know if I wanted to get into anything with him, but as I got to know him, my heart just melted and I knew that if I didn't go for this I just may be walking away from everything Ive ever wanted. So I went for it, and I had the most amazing times with him he was the ying to my yang, since we are completely different, I'm loud, outspoken with no filter, that will say anything for a good laugh, since laughing is one of my favorite things in the whole world, and he is quiet and reserved, and a complete gentleman! And when he would laugh at my jokes, it was one of the best feelings in the world. His smile good light up a whole room. I adored him! I was never treated so well by a man in my entire life. He did the cutest things for no reason and made me feel so loved, I was confident this was it, he just may be the one. I was wrong because after four months of pure happiness, (which I know may not seem like a significant amount of time, but when your in the moment its really not. I used to be skeptical and judgy about people who moved too quick, until I found myself in the situation and I couldn't turn back) things became different, although he still treated me well and made me happy, he was different, distant and I knew something was wrong. I asked him time and time again, and he just claimed it was stress, but I knew it was more, so when he finally came out and told me that he needed time to think, because although he loved me he didn't know if he was in love with me. I was completely crushed, and I still am. Its been three weeks now and I'm trying to be okay, but its terribly hard, because like usual I feel lost, and almost like a failure that another relationship didn't work for me again.
So in conclusion was all this happiness and all the butterflies, worth the angst and pain I feel now, and  I know only time can heal this pain and it will get better everyday, but I still don't know if it was all worth it, even though it was one of the best experiences of my whole life. I guess only each individual in their own situations could be the judge.

Realization

Well here it goes.....this is my first time doing this, but have been tempted for a long time to get started.

Mainly Im doing this to let out some steam, of constant disappointment and finding out what is truly important in ones life, against what tradition or society may think.
Ive grown up with the dream in the back of my mind, that life was going to be easy I would go to college, fall in love, stay in love, get married, and have babies and live happily everafter! WRONG!!
Lifes a little more tricky than I thought I made all the mistakes youre not supposed to make, just by following my heart and not using my head! Silly Girl!
I was so blinded by love so many times and let myself get lost in the men that I loved for the sake of being loved back.
Im going to be 30 on Valentines Day, double whammy I suppose! Still in school, still in debt, still living at home and in another complicated realationship. Although this guy is different and the situation is complicated, this one is actually a good guy, but as usual Im not getting the whole perfect package I want.
He has baggage, I of course have baggage, but he was accepting of all this. Till four months after a perfect realationship, I get what all girls love to hear.......I love you, but I dont know if Im in love with you and I need sometime to think. Blah Blah Blah!
Now the nice part of me thinks okay?! You need time I can do that. But.....as always I give my all and love so deeply to have the one I thought I wouldnt have to worry about never not love me, is actually saying this.
So here we go again! Now the selfish, maybe even strong part of me, which never lasts long, thinks who needs this again??? Are you kidding me? Im gonna be thirty, thought this just may be it, Im actually really happy, its all falling into place, and then in one second it all comes falling down around me. Now I know life changes with every breath we take, but sometimes that feeling of hopelessness is just too powerful.
So.....Ive come to the realiztion that maybe my destiny will find me, I just need to take some detours, and it doesnt matter that everyone around me is a couple or married or the things I want in life are falling in their laps,
that my journey before I settle down isnt over yet!
Ive realized its time to love myself, relax, take deep breaths and enjoy the gift of life, and all the small things that in the everyday hustle and bustle people dont stop to take in!
Im going to set myself free and be me....consume myself with happiness even if it must be forced! lol
Life is too short to chase a dream, that you have to let find you!